Day 17,129: The Ride of My Life

Sunday was my husband's 50th birthday.  His wish was to spend the start of it at the local amusement park.  So for a few hours, I accompanied him from rollercoaster to rollercoaster.  He rides them.  I watch.  It gave me a lot of time to sit in the shade and contemplate how these contraptions are a lot like life, with rises and falls, twists and turns.  The key is to be exhilarated by the ride rather than terrified of it ... to say hell yes rather than sit out.

We successfully delivered our daughter to college last Friday.  This transition has been its own unique experience with stomach-lurching and breath-taking ups and downs for us all.  Each day gets easier, yes, but my mama senses are heightened in a way that they haven't been since after she was born.  I am at the ready in whatever way she may need me, but from a distance and with some restraint.  It's important that she knows that I know she can do it ... figure things out on her own.  It's empowering.  It's exhausting.

I am easing into this new chapter of my life like a steaming hot bath.  At this point, I am halfway in but still halfway out.  The more that my daughter relaxes into her new life and finds her bearings within it, the more that I embrace the freedom I have to do the same.  I have crystals to wrap.  I have classes to teach.  I have a brimming heart, willing hands, and an unshakable knowing that I've got more to share than I can possibly perceive at this point.  As one foot is put in front of the other, this new chapter and all of the opportunities held within it will be revealed.

I am deeply grateful for all of it and can't wait to see how it all unfolds ...

Day 17,120: What I Weave

Coming back around to my first house in Virgo, my personal new year time is soon upon me.  It coincides with the annual abundance of tunnel spiders inside and behind the window boxes which we can view (much like an ant farm) from our living room windows.  Sadly, my husband and daughter loathe them.  They just don't get the message.

Spider is a totem for me and Jakk's Magic Beans Workshop (with its eight limbs of expression and service).  Spider reminds me to be awake to what I'm weaving.  What do I intend to offer through it?  What do I hope to draw to and from it?  There is a literal and my figurative "web" to consider here and lots of food for thought.

These are important questions year round, of course, but particularly significant as I repack my medicine bag for another trip around the wheel of the year.  Changes are obviously afoot.  Thanks, as always, for joining me on the journey.  I hope you find nourishment here.

Day 17,118: The View from Here

Our dining room is brimming with the fixins for our daughter's freshman year of college.  We aren't finished shopping, nor have we gotten around to choosing which of her clothes to pack.  All the while I'm thinking about how we had to take a class before we got married.  We had to take another class to prepare for her birth.  So where is the class to prepare for this transition?  I could use one right now, but without it will navigate my way (albeit with some clumsiness) on my own.

Last night, my husband (her dad) and I went out with friends who had just delivered their youngest child to college the day before.  Suddenly, the four of us found ourselves magnetically attracting other parents who had already dropped off their child(ren) at school.  There was considerable sadness and lamenting within the ensuing conversations to which I could not fully relate.  I arrived home feeling emotionally depleted and a bit guilty.

It isn't that my husband and I can't commiserate with how our peers are processing this experience.  This is our one-and-only child to be kissed goodbye next week.  But this impending separation is not permanent and, quite frankly, this transition is what we've been working toward as a family over all of these years.  As we see it, parenting never stops at a specific age or stage, nor will our home ever stop being available as a sanctuary to and for her.  We anticipate that it will all shift and flow along with her growth and needs. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am going to miss the day-to-day-ness of having her right here with us.  No doubt about it.  But my husband and I have done our job of lovingly raising her well to go forth with confidence and make her way in this world.  This is cause for celebration rather than lament!  I choose to approach the future with a sense of joyful wonder and deep gratitude.

Yes, I know that there will be days ahead when I shall grieve the lack of her sweet face in front of me, but I know in my heart that we are always connected and she is just a text, Face Time or Skype session away.  Visits and breaks will always be on the horizon.  I just can't help but look forward to how our relationship as mama and daughter will evolve over time and I am eager to see what and who she becomes through this experience and opportunity.  Also, with unapologetic selfishness, I must confess that I'm curious what the next chapter of marriage has in store now that we have this opportunity to rediscover each other.  Curiosity is good.

In conclusion, sad?  Okay, perhaps a smidge.  But mostly (and immensely) proud ... of her, of us ... and excited ... for her, for us.  There is so much more to be gained here than lost and I, for one, can't wait.

Day 17,106 Gratitude

Our first visit to this sleepy little town south of Daytona was back in May 1996 when we convinced ourselves that we could afford our first family vacation.  My husband's aunt was a real estate agent around here and found us this great oceanfront condo that we could swing for a week's stay just barely off-season.  It was a stretch of both our budget and parenting abilities with a wee one.  We had no idea at that time that we would keep coming back to this condo almost every summer for the next 16 years.  It's been a heart home for a long time now.

The not-so-wee one will leave for her freshman year at college in the next few weeks.  We are basking in the sunshine, many happy memories, and this sweet family time together before she goes.  For this visit to New Smyrna Beach and every precious visit before, I am so very grateful.

Day 17,101 Gratitude

My Facebook pal, Janet Goldman, posted this today.  I love the message.  It's important.  I think most of us are prone to some measure of hiding our true, unedited self.  It's human nature, I suppose.

Thankfully, the older I get, the weirder I become.  Much more random, as well.  And to the degree that I can know myself, whilst ever learning, stretching, transforming and expanding, I try to bravely (and sometimes brazenly) be it, all of it, as openly as possible.

Not so long ago, I was inclined to hide all but what I thought was my most presentable self.  Sometimes, in certain stressful situations, I am inclined to revert back to that habit.  I never really gave much thought to how I might not only be cheating myself in doing so, but cheating others as well.

It's not just about love, as per the message above, although, yes, that is important.  But also we never know who might be inspired, served, and quite possibly saved by the person we hide.  Just a thought.  And that thought makes me feel grateful today.  Come on out and play!