Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Testing, Tested and Testy

Doesn't it sometimes seem like every goal is met with a test?

My test this week has been this winter storm. Don't get me wrong. I do love a hearty snowfall, knowing that I and my loved ones are safe and sound at home. But Camp Magic Beans is a camp for one and having those loved ones at home with me all day for the last two really didn't figure into my original game plan. And, yes, I do realize that I am now using it (the storm) and them (said loved ones) as my new excuses for not producing. I guess it is what it is.

The last couple of days have not been without some accomplishments. I have been rocking the G9. A few shots at first, but I am slowly remembering what it feels like to play with a camera on a regular basis. Like riding a bike, I suppose. Jen is encouraging me to get my Lomo out of hiding and kindly sent me some guidance to loading film in the Holga. I've received the latter as a gift two years ago and I have been utterly intimidated.

Hope. I think I'm feeling some hope.

And some forgiveness. I know it is unrealistic to think that I can do all that I love to do, every single day. I am a creatively lusty girl. I want whatever it is that I am doing at the moment to be fun. It can’t be fun if I feel that I must do it only to check it off of the list. It can't be fun if I must rush through it to move onto something else.

So this checking in with every facet every day can be a bit tricky, but I stand by this plan as the way that I want to approach it right now. It may turn out that I am better off with weekly goals ... certain facets for certain days ... rather than trying to touch base with every one of them every day. But I want to give this a chance before I change it. I want to see what develops.

I want to be immersed.

There are some things that I have not shown up for in these first three days. I don’t want to specifically name these facets. I don't want to give my absence from them any power. But just noting that my resistance is much stronger in some areas than others. Makes sense, I suppose. One step at a time. One layer at a time.

The storm has passed. It is likely that tomorrow we will be able to return to business as usual, with some caution, of course. The aftermath is dangerously beautiful. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. One facet in front of the other. I believe that I will get into a groove in the days ahead. I believe that my intuition will guide me to and through the next logical steps. And I believe that what I choose to do, whatever I choose to do, makes a difference.


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