Saturday, April 24, 2010

Day 16,271: Changes of Heart

(Photo from Archives: 4/16/2005)

I got out of bed this morning around 5:45, nursed a steaming mug of Yerba Mate, and then surrendered back to a fitful sleep from 6:30 until after 9:00. As usually happens when I make this mistake (the going back to bed part), I had kooky dreams. I'm not sure what's going on with me other than possibly deep processing behind the scenes. I have a lot going on in this noggin of mine these days. I would swear that I'm being rewired. (Might also just be perimenopause, but I'll stay in denial if you'll play along.)

Recently, I have been agonizing mulling over where and how routines and schedules fit into my life and whether they might be a help or hindrance. More and more, I am discovering that, for whatever reason, the old ways of doing things aren't necessarily working for me anymore. It's distressing and liberating at the same time. I would like to believe that I can successfully take on each day completely freestyle, but when left to my own devices, I procrastinate about rising to the occasion(s). Usually because I overwhelm myself with too many options. It's an ongoing source of guilt and shame ... two things that I would like a lot less of in my life, thank you.

There is less than one week left to April and, therefore, less than one week left to the first third of this year. Take a minute or two to let that fact sink in. I'll wait.

I pulled out the list of goals that I crafted in December for this year. It's foreign to me now. Enthusiasm has been replaced by an awkward apathy toward most of the things that I thought I wanted. First of all, the list is unrealistically long and unreasonably slanted toward business goals. Because my perspective on business is changing radically, the list has been made all but void. What about self-care? Relationships? There is nothing wrong with wanting a successful business, but the first order of business is a successfully balanced life.

I know that I have complete freedom to decide on a day-to-day basis what I'm willing to do with my time and energy and where to direct my focus. The world does not end nor are there lives lost if and when I change my mind. I can definitely pare down the list to what feels important to me right now, ditch what no longer fits and reassess the rest. I am willing to admit that I am fumbling around, but it no longer carries the negative connation in my head that it once did.

I am not the same person who wrote that list in December. What I thought that I wanted then is no longer relevant ... or may be only to the degree that I decide. New habits are revealing themselves to me and I am catching myself taking pleasure in things that I never used to take time to appreciate. Priorities are changing. Roles are evolving. And service, which is still very important to me, is expanding to include me to and for myself.

This shift and these feelings are not easily put into words. But if you even so much as have your toes dipped into this stream, I know that you know what I mean. Let's jump in and navigate the way together.

No comments: